Children see the doctor often, they have routine
checkups and dentist appointments, it’s usually not a big deal. Camila has many doctor appointments, but no appointment makes me more nervous than her cardiology check-ups. These appointments give me anxiety! Best case scenario the ECHO, an ECHO is an ultrasound of the heart, looks great and we schedule another appointment in 6 months, but sometimes, there is concern and we are off to the cath lab to see what her mischievous little heart is up to. A Cardiac Catheterization is a procedure where they take a tiny camera through a major artery to the heart, this allows doctors to measure pressures and get a clear picture of what may be causing distress. I honestly get anxiety worrying about Camila’s ECHO results because they can potentially put her in the hospital. Doctor appointments have never seemed so real to me, they’ve never felt so life altering. I feel that all parents with children who have a chronic illness feel this way every now and then. We don’t speak about it, but the fear is definitely there. I personally try not to talk about it because I don’t want people to worry and to be honest, I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me, for us. When you tell people about a child with a chronic illness there is a sense of empathy, I understand it’s natural, but I also don’t want to be viewed as a victim. A greater power chose me to be this beautiful child’s mother and I will own it. I am not perfect and sometimes I catch myself playing the victim card, but I become aware of it and quickly replace those thoughts. It took a while for me to recognize my thought process and nip the negative thoughts, but I did not want to play the victim because I am more than that. I look back at how far I’ve come with my mental health and I am extremely proud of myself, I truly am. The first few months of Camila’s life I was a wreck, but I knew I did not want to be in that dark place forever. It took a lot of self-discipline to change my thought process. Shortly after being in control of what thoughts I was allowing to stay, I began to dive into the idea of self-love, and I decided to do some deep soul searching. Becoming a heart mama has taught me to be tough rather than the victim of a circumstance. We can all find ourselves feeling like the victim, I feel that's ok, but it becomes an issue when the thought process becomes a cycle. One can let the situation dictate who you are, or you can take a situation, learn, and be better. My children are watching me, and I will not teach them that self-pity and victimizing themselves is in any way acceptable. Camila has completely reshaped who Noemi is. She has brought out parts of me I had buried a long time ago. Camila has made me aware that I am a powerful woman, we are all powerful women, I will teach her just that. It’s incredible how far I’ve come since her birth, a sense of fear before cardiology appointments allows me to reflect. Being a heart mama does a lot to you, but as many tears as I have shed, I have smiled, laughed, loved, and learned to appreciate things even more. Becoming a heart mama has allowed me to slow down and “smell the roses.”
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