Co- Parenting can be hard, especially after a recent break-up. There are so many emotions involved and sometimes they cloud ones judgement, even when the ultimate goal is the children’s well-being. I separated from my boys’ father when they were 1 ½. I remember being so mean to him, I let him have it every opportunity I had, pick up’s, drop off’s, phone calls, text, you name it. Things were ugly, they were full of arguments, screaming, and toxic behavior from the both of us. Obviously, these are not my proudest moments! Fast forward 8 years and we have a healthy relationship. We have healed, he remarried, I moved on to another relationship and we are both happy, most importantly the kids are happy. The kids have 2 stable parents. A healthy relationship is possible, being “friends” with your child’s father IS POSSIBLE, but it is not easy, and it does not come over night. I’ve seen the idea of co-parenting glamorized. I feel like they try to sell you on the idea that you MUST be in a good place or you’re a horrible person. It is possible, but let’s not skip from point A to D. What about the in between, B and C? Let’s not forget to talk about the ugly, let’s not forget about the behavior patterns that keep us in the middle ground, remember I fast forwarded 8 years, 8 YEARS. There is no way for an amazing outcome without the healing that happens in-between. No matter how many books I read about the importance of a good co-parenting relationship, I know that if I don’t change my perspective within the behavior patterns will remain and there will never be an honest sincere relationship. You must truly, in your heart be ready for change or it will not happen. The healing doesn’t happen simply from wanting a healthy relationship, the healing happens inside of you. When you forgive, let the resentment go, and most importantly shut down the EGO, it takes time and work. I feel a lot of times the ego is what keeps us in a toxic pattern. The Ego plays tricks, it plays the blame game, it tells us all about how we are right and how wrong the third party is. We truly believe that voice in our head telling us we are right, telling us to let them know how wrong they are, it allows for us to throw an astronomical fit if things don’t go our way because you know, we’re right. The ego takes over if you don’t learn to recognize it and shut it down. Everyone’s journey is different, don’t allow for others to put their 2 cents, no one should be preaching especially if they’ve never been in the situation. Your road to healing is unique and you will walk it at your own pace, it may take longer, it may be “messier,” but it is YOUR journey, own it. No one has the right to tell you what is wrong and what is right, you, in your heart know. My journey hasn’t been easy, but it all worked out, I’m ok, the kids are ok, all is ok in the world. If you’ve found yourself in a similar situation take the time to be a shoulder to those in the midst of the ugliness, remember how catastrophic the smallest things felt. For those of you trying to find balance, YOU will find it, but remember you must truly want it, you must do the work within, you must heal, and you must not let your EGO win. That ego is a sneaky one, but with time you’re able to put it to rest. I’ve told my story, but I thought it would be interesting to hear Daniel’s story, the boy’s dad. I’m sure that although it is the same story, we have different versions; perspective is everything. Daniel was generous enough to answer a few questions and talk about his journey through parenthood, divorce, dealing with my crazy ass, (old me, obviously) and the glory of co-parenting.
1. How would you describe co-parenting then vs. now?
That shit was hard, nobody was cooperating and sometimes it was just better not to even talk. Now things are getting way better, we just do what is best for the kids and I mind my own. I have my own family and problems to worry about.
2. When did you feel that co-parenting was important and how did you manage to get to a place where co-parenting was possible?
Co-parent thing sucks, especially when we don’t meet eye to eye, but as shitty as it can be it has to be done. It has been a lot better now that we can talk and worry about kids instead of arguing about irrelevant things. It took so long to get to this point and there is so much more room for improvement. Overall it always gets better, I realize shit needs to get done so the kids see a good example from both sides.
3. How would you describe the over- all journey through divorce and co-parenting, specially at such a young age?
The situation was difficult af, being so young and dealing with so much bs, problems, and then being a parent. It is especially difficult when you both don't want to see or hear from each other. This came with being young and not giving af, but as the kids grow we grow too and wrongs eventually turn into rights and things fall into place.
4. What advice do you wish you would have heard then?
I would tell another father… just do what is right for the kids and fight for them. Most of time you just don't want to hear shit or rather not argue and choose not to be there just to not hear the other parent. At times it seems like the right thing to do, but you have to remember it's not the kids fault you have to do whatever it takes to let the kids know you want to be in their life don't do it for the people, your family, the glow. Be present so when your kids grow up or when your kids need help or someone to talk to for help and/or advice you are someone they can go to because you did your best as a parent to be part of their life
5. You have since remarried, do you feel that finding a significant other affected the way you co-parent, do you feel that it is easier to navigate?
Since I remarried things have absolutely gotten better, I am focused on trying to get my shit together, not that it isn't, I simply have bigger goals. It is more of a family dynamic, I always look for things to do as a family and make sure the kids are involved. I also want them to know they have a stepmom who is there as a friend and a parent, which is completely possible. I want them to understand that although their parents split, we are all still a family, this is our normal and I want them to know that sometimes things don’t work out, but it is no one’s fault. Now the kids know that they have a bigger family, it makes it easier as everyone understands there is two families who are both doing the best for the kids